


Sod Off

by Gem_Gem



Category: Sherlock (TV)
Genre: Attempt at humour, Childish Sherlock, F/M, Gen, Sherlock Being Annoying, Sherlock Hates John's Girlfriends, Short One Shot, silliness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-05
Updated: 2015-06-05
Packaged: 2018-04-02 22:52:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,655
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4076821
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gem_Gem/pseuds/Gem_Gem
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Yeah, the thing is...my best friend is a massive arsehole"</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sod Off

**Author's Note:**

> A quickie, because I'm wide awake at 2am and couldn't get this out of my head.

John shot his recent girlfriend (Jamie? Janey? Jasmine?—Julie!) a tight-lipped, apologetic, and embarrassed smile, and shifted, jostling his shoulder. Sherlock was using his shoulder as a pillow again, his dark and surprisingly soft curls pushed into John’s neck and cheek. Sherlock had stolen Julie’s seat beside John as soon as she had gotten up to go to the loo, and had stretched his legs out on the remaining space of the settee so she couldn’t sit back down. Sherlock had no interest in the movie they had chosen to watch, had complained and stomped to his room at the very mention of a movie night in the flat, but as soon as Julie had gotten up, Sherlock had jumped into her place. Literally.

Julie eyed the stretch of Sherlock’s body and awkwardly shifted her weight, crossing her arms. John cleared his throat and jerked his shoulder again, but Sherlock merely moved with the movement and pressed his back into John’s side further, eyes glued on the book in his lap.

“Sherlock,” John said sternly.

“Mm?”

“Move.”

At the demand Sherlock flitted his gaze at Julie, sighed loudly and pulled his legs in, balancing the book on his bent knees. Julie didn’t move and instead arched her eyebrow at John, gesturing at Sherlock who was still plastered to his side. 

“Sherlock!” 

“What?” Sherlock asked grumpily, finally lifting his head to scowl at John.

John motioned between Julie and the space Sherlock had stolen, “Move!”

Sherlock eyed John’s hand and then looked back over at Julie, exhaled through his nose sharply, slammed his book shut, and preceded to climb onto John’s lap, bare feet tucking under John’s thigh roughly. Giving Julie a dirty look and a quick, false smile, Sherlock reopened his book, rested his head on John’s other shoulder and snubbed her. 

John closed his eyes briefly, signalled to Julie to sit and then grabbed Sherlock’s legs, shoving them away with a purposeful look that Sherlock ignored. John grunted and pushed and elbowed Sherlock, but all that resulted in was Sherlock wriggling his way between John’s legs, leaning on the armrest with his elbows and turning the page of his book slowly.

“Sherlock!” John growled, blushing when Julie narrowed her eyes at them both. 

“I’m lonely,” Sherlock intoned, fingering the edge of the book cover. “Wanted company.”

“Fine. That’s fine, but can’t you do that sitting in your chair and not on top of me?” John whispered, glancing at Julie with a hurried and nervous smile. 

“Nope,” Sherlock replied, popping the “P” with a lifting of his eyebrows.

“And why not?” John hissed, clearing his throat when Julie sighed, and leaning close to Sherlock with a pleading sort of expression. “Can’t you just behave for once? I just want to watch a sodding movie with my girlfriend and you’re--”

Sherlock flicked his eyes from his book fleetingly. “You hate these types of movies.”

“But Julie doesn’t,” John said in a hushed tone. “I can put up with it for tonight, for her, because, you know, she’s my bloody girlfriend.”

“I don’t see how you can’t watch it with me here,” Sherlock carried on, turning another page. “I’m not obscuring your view.”

Gritting his teeth John grabbed Sherlock about the waist and squeezed, “Sod. Off.”

Sherlock pursed his mouth and jumped up to perch on the armrest instead flexibly, his long legs pressed to his chest and his feet gripping the edge and his book once again balanced on his bent knees. John looked up at him with annoyance but turned away to look for the remote, checking in between the settee cushions and smiling at Julie. When he couldn’t find it John bowed his head, rubbed his face and curved an upturned hand to Sherlock.

“Give it over.”

“I don’t know what you mean,” Sherlock uttered, face hidden by the book as he flexed his toes.

“Give me the bloody remote, Sherlock,” John said strictly. “Now.”

Sherlock shrugged in reply, “I don’t have it.”

John counted to ten slowly and then stood up, loomed over Sherlock, and with a quick embarrassed look at Julie thrust his hands to Sherlock’s trouser pockets, slapping them and then running his hands behind Sherlock’s back, even quickly under his backside. Sherlock jerked but the smirk he tried to stifle fluttered and curled handsomely at John when Julie rolled her eyes and looked away. Sherlock winked at him playfully and John huffed, folded his arms and gave him a look that spoke volumes about his frustration and which ordered Sherlock to give him the remote before he knocked Sherlock out with the book he was so fondly reading. 

Sherlock arched his eyebrow in response and then very slowly, very deliberately glanced at where Julie was sitting.

John looked as well, glared at Sherlock, sat back down and thrust his hand under the cushion swiftly, knocking Julie forwards in his haste, “Sorry! He hid it under the…under the…” John muttered, feeling around and then shooting Sherlock a look before checking under the settee and brandishing the remote victoriously. “Here it is!”

John leaned back with Julie with a smile, trying to ignore Sherlock crouched next to him, and pressed play. When nothing happened John pressed it again, and again, then once more, peeking up at Sherlock. Sherlock hid behind his book quickly and John clenched his jaw and opened the back to find the batteries missing. Sherlock’s shoulders shuddered in silent laughter and John pursed his lips, got up and pressed play on the DVD player instead.

“There we go.” As it started up John shrugged innocently at Julie and sat back down, pulling her to his side.

Sherlock was quiet and still for most of the movie but all too soon John felt him slide down the armrest lithely and back onto John’s lap, nose stuck in his book the entire time. John looked at Julie discreetly, happy to see she hadn’t noticed, and then jabbed Sherlock in the side with his free hand, tucking the other more firmly around Julie’s shoulders.

Sherlock grabbed John’s wrist lightning quick and gave John a side-on look with a mischievous grin as Sherlock then lifted and slipped it around his waist, tightening his grip when John tried to struggle free. John peered back at Julie as she shifted at being jostled but she didn’t look at him. 

*Let go* John mouthed, twisting and squirming as little as possible to try and get out of Sherlock’s grasp.

*No* Sherlock mouthed back. 

*Stop being a twat!*

*I’m bored*

*Go do something then! Just leave me out of it* John jerked his head towards the kitchen. *Do an experiment.*

*I am* Sherlock grinned, looking purposely at Julie and then going back to his book, holding it with one hand as he kept John’s arm around him with the other.

John gaped at him and then glowered, “Julie, do you want another drink?”

“Hm? Sure,” she murmured dismissively and John unwound his arm from her, stood up and yanked Sherlock up with him, dragging him into the kitchen.

“But I’m not thirsty, John!” Sherlock complained as he stumbled and then stubbed his toe on the kitchen table with a muffled shout.

John shoved him into the counter, glanced back at Julie, snatched Sherlock’s book from his hands without looking and threw it over his shoulder.

“John-!”

“Listen here, Sherlock!” John said lowly, leaning in close and pointing a finger into Sherlock’s chest. “I really like this one. I do. I like her so much that…that—can’t you be good for once? Can’t you be civil? Please?”

Sherlock blinked, arched an eyebrow and then gestured towards her, “But she--”

John covered his mouth with a hand roughly and Sherlock frowned, “No! No, deductions. No “buts”, no “John she’s boring”, nothing! Stop being a colossal wanker and let Julie and I enjoy our night in,” John whispered, eyeing Sherlock up and down and then outstretching his other hand. “And give me back those batteries. I know you have them.”

Sherlock pretended to look confused but John wiggled his fingers impatiently and Sherlock sighed through his nose, slipped his hand into his trousers and pulled them out of his underwear with a flourish. John looked at them, glared at Sherlock with a twitch of his right eye, and snatched them up.

“If you don’t like her or the movie, then go to your room,” John told him; letting Sherlock go and filling two glasses with wine, pocketing the batteries. “I really wish you’d get on with her. Give her a chance. You might even--”

Sherlock turned him around when John’s hands were occupied by the glasses, rubbed at John’s mouth with his fingers until his lips were red and swollen, mussed John’s hair, loosened a few buttons on his shirt and stepped back to do the same to himself. John frowned at him in shock and puzzlement and then suspicion as Sherlock adopted a pleasurably dazed expression, his mouth twisting dopily.

“Sherlock,” John warned, and quickly followed as Sherlock skipped back into the living room area, rocking happily on his heels and then pretending to look overly nonchalant when Julie glanced up at him.

John watched as Julie frowned and tracked her eyes over Sherlock’s attire, over his face, and then to John sharply. “Um. Wine?”

Julie stood up and walked over to John slowly, her face like thunder. Sherlock cleared his throat, fabricated fixing his hair and perched back on the armrest mock-awkwardly as Julie took one glass, looked at it, swirled the wine and then threw it into John’s face.

John stepped back and sighed, “Julie—Julie, wait!” 

The door juddered in its frame as she slammed it behind her and John slumped his shoulders, licked his lips and scowled over at Sherlock slowly. Sherlock slipped onto the settee with a smug smile, stretching fully over it with a hum of pleasure and wriggling his toes.


End file.
